Grocery Store Bathrooms and Horror Films

Grocery Store Bathrooms and Horror Films

A Working Theory on Public Restrooms

If you’ve ever had the unfortunate urge to defecate in a grocery store, then you are probably acquainted with the horror of such misfortune, but I have developed a theory to explain why this is the case. It was my recent displeasure to accompany my wife to the store for some nail polish when nature called upon my bladder for relief. (Before I continue, I want to clarify that my displeasure was with the need to urinate and not accompanying my wife to buy nail polish, just to be clear).

Now, I make a habit of avoiding public restrooms for sanitary reasons but on certain occasions the thing is inescapable, so being unfamiliar with the place, I asked an employee for directions. As humiliating and vulgar as the request is, it didn’t help that the bored young woman looked at me annoyed at having to pause her earbuds to listen to me ask about the toilet. She chewed her gum exaggeratingly loudly and pointed me to the back corner of the store with an eye roll. There in the back corner was a large red sign with an arrow pointing down and the word “BATHROOM” in bold capital letters.

Arriving at the door beneath the patronizing sign, I noticed the small square window on the door peering into the dimly lit hallway. There were black streaks staining the white linoleum floor as if shoe-covered feet were dragged out of or into the bathrooms. That or possibly dirty car tires were rolled into each bathroom including the one with the “employees only” plaque. Both explanations seemed improbable but the latter one more so; therefore, I reluctantly crept into the gender-neutral bathroom.

It was like something out of a horror movie (like Hostel or Saw if you’ve seen one of those). The fluorescent light was flickering, the tiles were mismatching faded shades of yellow, brown mildew like dried blood was dripping from the tiles, the metal sockets were rusted, and the mirror was cracked into fragments. If I didn’t have to pee so badly I would have left and phoned the health department but my bladder trumped my cowardice. I could’ve sworn I heard whispered chanting in Latin through the vents but that may have been my overactive imagination.

Then, as I took care of business, the theory came into my cerebellum as to why the bathrooms in grocery stores seem to model their aesthetics after horror movie sets. Perhaps it is to repel customers from using them so they don’t have to clean them. That way, the only people using them are transients who never complain about such things or desperate people, like myself, who would rather gamble the odds of being murdered in there than have a potty accident. Once I finished washing my hands, the only thing on my mind was getting out of there before my possessed fractured reflection leaps out of the mirror and strangles me.

As I speed walked out of the dreadful back corner of the store toward my wife, checking behind me for any pursuing spirits, the theory materialized. I didn’t see a bathroom cleaning schedule with staff initials on a clipboard anywhere on the door or walls. It certainly didn’t look as if it was cleaned before. And then I thought of other grocery stores I’ve been to and they have all been similarly horrific. Suddenly I was more certain about this theory than I’ve ever been about anything else in my life. Grocery store employees purposefully do this to discourage people from using their restrooms so they don’t have to pull staff for cleaning.

So there you have it. My theory as to why public restrooms, specifically grocery story bathrooms are made to look like the set of a horror movie.

Comment if you agree. Don’t comment if you disagree because that negative energy is unwelcome. I’m just kidding, do what you want. I hope this embellished telling of true events gave you a tickle.