The Breakup Job
Henry’s mentor, Leslie, was dressed in a toga looking over some documents on a round wooden table. His old muscular frame from years in the navy was regal and commanding. Unbeknownst to him, a hidden figure in the shadows pulled out a sharp blade and creeped behind him in silent footsteps. Like a snake patiently slithering behind an unsuspecting prey for a moment to strike swiftly and finally, the figure drove the blade into the old man’s back. Leslie froze, unable to speak, in agony of such a betrayal. He was able to turn and face his murderer before collapsing to the hardwood floor. The white toga was spread with crimson from the place where the blade remained deep inside of him.
The sound of Leslie’s body hitting the floor filled the quiet auditorium with a resounding echo. Emma was too distracted by the sight of Kim’s tentacles wrapped around Hank’s arms just a few seats down. What is a good guy like him doing with a girl like her? Sure Kim was beautiful, but in a superficial and shallow sort of way. She has stood on the sidelines watching this minx emotionally and physically manipulate her best friend, her Splinter. Emma preferred a shower girl over her any day of the week. She wondered why, in all the years they have been friends, Hank never asked her out or made a move. This thought surprised her. How would I respond if he did? She thought. He has always been like family, a little brother who can be annoying, but you always love. Now when she sees them kiss, Emma wonders what it would feel like to be in her shoes. After the wedding, she realized that Henry feeling like home was deeper than a brother and a roommate. But how do you tell someone that without knowing how they will respond or if they feel the same way. What if I’m just a big sister to him too? She thought.
Maybe Emma was just feeling lonely. Henry had Kim, Dusty had Dr. Chang, and her date was Maya, Raj’s sister. Her plus one had been relegated to friends. “Are you okay?” Maya whispered from her seat, noticing Emma’s longing gaze down the row where Kim was resting her head on Hank’s shoulder.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Emma lied through her glossy eyes. She had to be fine. These feelings could be fleeting. Emma pulled out her buzzing phone. There was another message from Charlie, her ex. Up to this point, she had just ignored his messages.
Charlie: Hey, can we talk? 🥺
Emma: I’ll call you tonight.
Charlie: 🙏
…
After the play was over, all the roommates and company met Leslie backstage with a bouquet of roses and chocolates. They congratulated him on his greatest performance yet as Julius Caesar in Shakespeare’s famous play. He invited them all to coffee anywhere but the horrible place Hank likes. They all walked a little way and found a cafe a couple of blocks off the Broadway strip.
“So what did you all think of the play?” Leslie asked.
“Can I get Calpurnia’s number?” Dusty joked as Dr. Chang slapped his arm.
“You were phenomenal, Leslie,” Henry declared. “It was the best rendition of Julius Caesar I’ve seen. You made him look like an actual emperor.” Everyone echoed similar remarks.
“You guys are just being nice to me because I’m old. I was so nervous being the titular character. It was a lot of pressure.”
“I’m proud of you Leslie. Those nerves didn’t show at all,” Emma encouraged. Leslie gave her a knowing look, as if he knew she had been distracted the whole time and why. She quickly averted her gaze and played with her hair.
“Now what’s this I hear about you being arrested again, Hank. This time for kidnapping.” Leslie turned the focus onto Henry.
“No it’s not like that. Some guy came to the door, the baby got out, and I chased after the baby. When I finally got caught up to her, I decided to take her out for a walk. What I didn’t know was that her mom woke up and called the cops when she noticed we were gone.”
“Yeah, I don’t understand how she felt comfortable letting a stranger watch her baby,” Maya added a little judgingly.
“I’m with you,” Dusty agreed. “The people who hire Henry make no sense to me. What kind of world are we living in where people hire strangers to watch us shower? No offense.”
“Uh, yeah offense,” Henry defended. “I don’t watch her shower, I just stay in the house because she has severe monophobia.”
“I had that once,” Kim joined. “When I moved out for college, I got monophobia, so I had to stay at my boyfriend's place.”
After a moment of awkward silence, Henry continued, “So anyway, the cops surrounded me and the baby. Thankfully, Vinny, who was the guy that confronted me at the apartment, saw the whole thing and cleared it all up with the police. Unfortunately, they still had to take me down to the station, but by the time we arrived, the mom had cleared everything up. And I got paid extra for inconvenience.”
“Maybe coffee out to be on you then, Mr. Bigshot.” Leslie teased.
“Business is funny like that. Sometimes I’m super busy and other times it's really slow. But that’s also what makes being my own boss so exciting. Who knows what the next job will be.” Henry glanced at Maya and remembered the condition one of his jobs left Raj in. Suddenly he felt insensitive. She didn’t know the connection between the job, Mr. Gilbert and Raj, but the guilt was still there. “How is Raj doing, Maya?”
She had just taken a sip of tea when he asked, and she nearly spilled. “Better, thankfully. He is recovering well and should be getting out of the hospital very soon. The first thing he asked about was his computer. Still the same Raja.”
“So do you think you’ll ever come out in a movie?” Kim asked Leslie.
“Well, no one’s asked yet, but I wouldn’t be opposed to it. I’m really liking the stage though. I’m late to the game.”
Then Dusty cleared his throat, which is a sign he is about to say something really serious, “Do you think I have what it takes to be an actor?”
“You’ll just have to audition and find out.”
…
Later that night, Hank and Emma were playing Mario Kart in her bedroom, which used to be his before she moved in. He noticed that she was a lot more competitive and aggressive than she usually is. She seemed to float somewhere between second and third place until the last minute, when her crotch rocket-riding Princess Peach would throw a red, or worse, blue turtle shell and win the race. Henry took Mario Kart seriously, so this especially irked him, and she knew this. “Really! Every time with those bloody shells?” He cried after she pulled the same stunt for the last time. “Now neither of us got first place. Look at Toad celebrating and gloating in my face.”
“Sometimes, winning for me just means you don’t get first place,” she said.
“Then I guess you won,” he chuckled as they put the remotes down and looked at each other for a moment.
“So, what’s up with you and Kim? Is it getting pretty serious again?” Emma asked frankly, breaking the silence.
“I don’t know. To be honest I’m not too sure where the relationship is going. We’re just kinda hanging out right now.”
“It looks pretty serious. I mean, she was climbing all over you today.”
“Are you getting jealous, Emma Daniels?” Henry teased playfully.
“Well, now that you’re with her I feel like we won’t be able to be as close. You’re my cuddle bug and I feel like we are going to lose that when you guys become like official. And I’d expect it to. I guess, I’m not quite ready to lose you so completely.”
“I haven’t really thought about it like that. You and I are so close. I couldn’t imagine us not being like we are now.” They both fell back on the bed and continued to look at each other, flooded with complex and novel manifestations of their intimate feelings. It was as if the love they’ve always had for one another was mutating yet imperfected.
If he would kiss me right now, I would let him, she thought and even hoped. Emma didn’t want to be the one to complicate things all though it was a little too late for that. Their relationship was transforming into something different which was forcing their interactions to adapt with it. They were both enraptured by one other but also afraid to be a fool. Their gazing was cut short by the chiming of Hank’s phone. It was Kim.
“I’d better take this,” he left the room and shut the door. All of the excitement and fantasy dissipated like smoke from a cigarette. Emma could hear them arguing through the wall, hating the fact that it pleased her to know they were volatile. I can’t go on like this, waiting for our relationship to blow up. He means too much to me, she thought. Her thumb hesitated as she pressed Charlie’s name on her contact list. It rang twice before he answered.
“Hello?”
“Hiya Charlie.”
“Oh my god, it’s so good to hear your voice.”
“You wanted to chat?”
“Yeah but I think maybe these things should be said in person.”
“I’ve got time tonight.”
“Are you still staying in New York?”
“We can meet halfway. I’ll text you the spot.” They said their goodbyes and hung up. Henry was still on the phone when Emma kissed him on the forehead and signaled she was leaving but would be back later tonight. He wanted to ask where she was going, but she left in a hurry.
“Kim, I’ve got to call you back. There’s another call coming through.”
“Are you hanging up with me for Emma?” Kim interrogated.
“No, it’s a number I don’t recognize, probably a job.”
“Whatever, I don’t believe you. Call me when you’re ready to take this seriously, Hank.” She hung up.
“Henry Goodman Incorporated, how can I help you?” He answered in his most professional voice.
“Uh yeah…this is Vinny. Can I speak to Mr. Goodman? It’s an emergency.”
“Please hold while I transfer your call,” Henry disguised his voice and then pressed a button before answering as himself. “Hey Vinny, how’s it going?”
“Hey, Mr. Goodman, I've got a job for you. It's all legal. I swear on my mother. But it’s a private matter so we’re gonna have to meet in person to discuss details.”
“Sure I’ve got time in the morning. Just say when and where.” Henry wrote the address of the restaurant and time of their appointment with a pen on a paper towel. He wondered what kind of trouble he’d get into this time.
…
That night, Hank slept in his old room, waiting for Emma to come home, but she didn’t. She did respond to his text while he was sleeping though.
Emma: I’m safe, don’t worry. I’ll fill you in tomorrow. Goodnight.
…
Hank met Vinny at a high end brunch place called Vincenzo’s. He immediately felt underdressed showing up in jeans, a white t-shirt, flannel jacket, and a baseball cap while Vinny looked like a GQ model leaning against the bar in a black silk shirt and slim charcoal slacks. He thought about leaving to change into something more fitting for the occasion. Nothing about their last meeting indicated that this was the type of place Vinny would go to for brunch. Henry imagined him sitting outside of some mom and pop restaurant like they did in The Sopranos.
“Hey Mr. Goodman! What do you think of my restaurant?” Vinny shouted from the bar as he walked over to give Henry a warm embrace.
“Hey Vinny, you’ve got an amazing place,” Hank was incredulous. “You can just call me Hank.
“Nonsense, you’re a businessman. My father always told me you treat bosses with respect and call them by their family name.” Vinny whistled a waiter over to them as he picked out a table to sit. “Anything you want, it's on the house. You’re a friend of the family.”
Henry ordered a Monte Cristo with a side of fries and an orange soda. Other people at the restaurant were looking over at their table, whispering to each other, and pointing at them as if they were celebrities. They must have been looking at Vinny, because nobody knows me do they? The two young men broke bread, conversed about running a business, and run-ins with the NYPD. A group of pretty young women were being seated and passed by their table. Vinny didn’t try to hide his ogling and even winked at them as they walked in front of him.
“That reminds me about my problem, Mr. Goodman. I need you to do something for me that’s real personal. It could be the difference between life and death for me.”
“Listen, Vinny, I can’t do anything…”
“It’s nothing illegal; I swear it on my dear aunt Sylvia. It just needs to be handled exactly as I tell you or it could end up really bad for me. There’s no easy way to do this and it may seem like a bad occasion that I’m sending you, but there are rules and loopholes we’re gonna need to exploit to keep things civil.”
…
It seemed like an easy job. Just go into an event, uninvited. Walk up to the right person, he’d never met and deliver a note at 1pm sharp. Vinny even provided a picture. This time, Henry wouldn’t be underdressed. He bought a nice three-piece suit and put on some gel to manage the frizzy hair. There was a beautiful cathedral with a ton of old classic cars parked in front. Why am I so nervous? He thought to himself, shaking off the nerve. Hank was surprised by how much this scene looked like the baptismal scene from The Godfather. He had to trust that Vinny was sincere when he assured him no one could lay a finger on him on account of the nature of the event. It was a baptism, a sacred event to the families. This was the perfect setting to do this sort of thing without repercussion.
As soon as Hank walked into the cathedral, two guys had eyes on him like an owl watching a mouse in an open field. People were standing in the pues facing the family up on the stage. There was a young mother holding a baby, the father on one side and a priest on the other. The grandparents were there too and the girl from the photograph. Henry looked at his watch reading 12:59 PM. It was time to deliver the note, but she was on the stage. He hoped she’d be in the back rows of the pues, and didn't imagine he would do it in front of the whole church. The clock struck one, the priest baptised the baby, and Henry marched down the center aisle to deliver the note. Everyone, including the priest, watched him as he made his way to the young woman with the baptismal party.
“Who the hell are you?” she asked.
“My name is Henry Goodman, and I have a message for you from Vinny.”
“Vinny? What does it say?” Henry stood there holding the note, hoping she would take it and read it, but she didn’t budge. So, he opened it.
“Rita,” Hank cleared his throat. “You are an angel of light and when I have a daughter, you’re going to be her godmother. There isn’t a sweeter and more charitable person in the world. I’m glad to have been able to call you my girlfriend and fiancee. However, I’ve been going to therapy and realized I’m not in a healthy place to be in such a committed situation. I would be doing you a disservice to keep you tied up to a guy like me. I hope you find a good guy to make you happy. I got your nephew a nice watch to wear when he grows up. Happy baptism, and god bless you, Vinny.” As Henry folded the note back into the envelope and pulled out the gift, Rita pounded his chest and screamed.
“How could he do this to me!?”
“Did you have to do this now? Get the heck outta here you son of a!” the priest interrupted the baby’s father. “Sorry father.”
As Henry left, all of the attendees scowled at him and shook their heads with disapproval. The job was done. It was humiliating.
…
“You dissed her like that in front of everyone!” Vinny covered his face with his hand. “Santa Madonna! Rita’s really going to hate me now.”
“You told me to give her the note at 1pm sharp!” Henry was hot with embarrassment.
“Yeah, but I didn’t think she’d be standing in front of everyone. You should have waited for her to sit down. And I can’t believe you read the note for everyone to hear. Those words were for her ears only. Now they’re all going to think I was trying to disrespect her.”
“Look, I tried to hand her the note but she wouldn’t take it. I followed your specific directions and got out of there before someone pulled a gun out on me.”
“I sent you during a baptism because they are forbidden to commit any acts of violence on that day, especially in a cathedral. I designated her as my unborn child’s godmother to prevent retaliation. It didn’t go exactly as I planned, but you’re right. The job is done and now I’m free.” Vinny let out a celebratory laugh. “Mr. Gilbert was right about you. You’ve got balls.”
“Mr. Gilbert?” Henry questioned.
“Yeah, he said you’re the guy to call if you got a task you don’t want to do yourself.”
He should have known these were all connected. Mona’s mom, who is Vinny’s cousin, trusted Henry to look out for the baby on Mr. Gilbert’s word. That is also how Vinny was able to talk the NYPD into letting him off the hook. It was nice having money, but it felt like most of his money was coming from associates of the Giordano family. He needed to branch out and diversify his clientele in case the feds check his bank statements full of deposits from Mr. Gilbert and company.
It wasn’t long before Hank was flooded with breakup requests. As harsh as the breakup at the baptism was, someone posted it on social media and it inspired other people who felt stuck in their relationships to hire Henry Goodman to break up for them. Though Vinny didn’t mean for it to be such a public diss, other people had strange and vengeful requests that ended up filling his calendar for the next few weeks.
One person baked a cake full of laxatives for Henry to deliver to her boyfriend’s party with all of his guy friends. The cake was on a platter that read “I’m getting rid of all your crap! We’re done!” This of course could only be read after they had already eaten most of the cake. It must have been pretty strong, because Henry had a small taste of it on the drive over and nearly ruined the cab on the way home.
Someone else hired Henry to dedicate the song “Gives You Hell” by The All American Rejects to his girlfriend during their karaoke date. As soon as Hank went on the platform and said, “This song goes out to Vicki from your former boyfriend, Michael,” the guy disappeared as she watched Hank serenade her with a breakup song. Vicki ended up hiring him also to break up with her other boyfriend in an even more insulting way. “A little birdie told me he is going to be on a date with his fiancee. I want you to crash the date and tell him that Vicki wanted him to have this,” she said, pulling out a banana cream pie from a box. “Then I want you to throw this in her face.”
“Her face? Wouldn’t it be better to throw it in his face?” Henry asked partly to avoid smashing a pie in an innocent bystander's face.
“She apparently has no idea about us. If you put it in his face, she will likely feel bad for him and console him. If you spread it over her face, she’ll be furious with him.”
As soon as the happy unsuspecting couple were seated at an outdoor table, Henry approached them, holding the pie behind his back. “Excuse me, are you Richard?”
“Yeah, who wants to know?” The guy squinted up at him on account of the sun.
“Vicki wanted you to have this,” Henry said.
“Vicki?” his fiancee asked, “Who is..” but before she could finish, her face was plastered with cream pie.
“What the hell’s the matter with you!?” Richard screamed at Henry who was already sauntering back into the cab that dropped him off. The poor guy tried cleaning the goopy cream off of her face, but she was enraged.
“WHO IS VICKI?”
…
On the next job, a girlfriend waited at home for her boyfriend to visit her apartment. There was a knock on the door, so she got up to answer with a big smile on her face. She opened the door to an explosion of confetti and whistles, but no boyfriend. It was some strange guy. “Congratulations, you’ve been un-coupled! Here is a gift card to enjoy your newfound freedom,” Hank handed her a fifteen dollar Starbucks card.
“But, what is actually happening right now?” she stammered in stunned petrification. “Where…why?” and she wept as Henry walked away feeling sorry for her. He wanted to stop and comfort the poor young girl, but there were more relationships to destroy.
One paranoid looking guy out in the suburbs rushed Henry all the way down to the basement to tell him, “I just need you to leave her a voicemail on my phone.”
“Okay, but why are we in your basement? I could have left her a voicemail from my phone or your phone anywhere in the world.”
“I…I…I’m scared of her.”
“It needs to be from my phone or she won’t listen.”
“Most people don’t even listen to their voicemails anymore. A text would be a lot quicker.”
“Please just read this and record the voicemail.”
“Dear Rhonda, it's Lyn. I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time but haven’t found the courage until today. I hate you and hope I never see you again. You are mean, cruel, and a bully. I won’t put up with it anymore. It’s over.” Henry was handing the phone over back to Lyn when a sound came from the phone.
“Lyn, whose voice is that!?” Rhonda had answered the phone and heard every word. “Is that your new boyfriend? I’m coming over there right now, bye!”
“That’s my queue to get out of here,” Hank passed him the phone and ran up the stairs.
“No! Don’t leave, she’s going to kill me.”
“That’s not my problem buddy. I was just hired to leave the voicemail. Look out for an invoice.”
Part of the hazard of breaking up for people was being the recipient of their anger. Henry had been slapped, kicked in the shin, had champagne thrown in his face, several tongue lashings in foreign languages, and was almost beat up by a beefy ex boyfriend had it not been for his training from Sensei Rodrigo at Tiger Claw Karate.
…
Henry’s home life was changing as well. Emma was hardly ever home anymore and acted distant whenever she was at the apartment, always on her phone. They weren’t talking as much as they used to. Kim was also becoming more needy now that Henry was busy with work. She would text him incessantly or call him in the middle of a job and expect him to drop everything to talk or pick up take out for her. He started ignoring her calls which resulted in a tirade of angry text messages. He used to get excited when her name would pop up on his notifications, but now he dreads it. Hank missed Emma’s memes and funny little texts throughout the day. Now he just gets Dusty’s angry videos about how Star Wars has changed and how the oversaturation of superhero movies are killing cinema.
Leslie met him for breakfast at Vinny’s restaurant to talk about his dilemma. “Do you think all of these breakup jobs are influencing your perception of Kim or is it revealing how you truly feel about her?” asked the wise old man.
“I’m not sure,” Henry answered quietly.
“I think you are, but you are avoiding dealing with something much more difficult, so you're settling.”
“What am I avoiding?”
“Jesus, am I going to have to spell it out, Henry. Your feelings for Emma. Don’t pretend that they aren’t serious. I saw the way she was looking at you and that Kim girl. She’s a pretty girl but completely self absorbed. She treats you more like an accessory to her life than a boyfriend. Emma sees it too but doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.”
“I don’t believe this. Did she tell you that behind my back?”
“She didn’t have to. I could see it in her eyes as she watched you. She loves you.”
“Of course Emma loves me. I’m like her little brother. We’ve been in each other’s life forever. If that’s how she feels, why doesn’t she tell me. She’s hardly ever around anymore.”
“Why do you think that is? Do you think it's got anything to do with Kim?” Leslie asked as if he knew the answer, but Henry’s phone saved him from having to answer the questions.
“It’s a number I don’t recognize, I’d better take it.” Henry stepped out of the restaurant to take the call outside. “Hello, this is Henry Goodman.”
“Hey, Splinter. This is Charlie,” he paused for a moment. “Emma’s Charlie.”
“What do you want?”
“I need your help. I heard you’re doing breakups and I need you to help me out on this one. I’ll pay you whatever you charge, just please hear me out. Can you meet me at Central Park in an hour? We can talk there.”
“Yeah, I’ll see you there.” This one is a curveball. Why was Charlie calling him and what’s he doing in the city? How would Emma feel about me taking on this job? He thought. Back at the restaurant, Henry excused himself from breakfast. “I’ve gotta go Les, something’s come up.”
“I hope I didn’t overstep, Hank. It wasn’t my intention,” Leslie apologized.
“Not at all, Leslie. I love you like a second father. You’re right as always. We’ll have to pick up where we left off another time. Don’t worry about the bill, Vinny will take care of it.”
“Who’s Vinny?” Leslie wondered as he finished his breakfast peacefully.
…
Charlie was waiting for him, all broad shouldered and six foot seven with perfect hair. Imagine one of those American Gladiator guys in a trenchcoat waving Henry down. “Hey Henry. I got you an orange soda,” Charlie offered.
“Thanks,” Hank couldn’t resist. “So are you finally leaving that broad from Jersey? She’s got a mean swing with a broom. Could’ve gone pro.”
“No, I’m breaking up with Emma. Didn’t she tell you we were back together? I thought you guys talk about everything.” Henry was stunned like all of the people he had been dumping in the last few weeks. That explains why she had been acting so differently. Why wouldn’t she tell me about that? he wondered.
“Wha…Wha…so what’s going on? You want to dump her? I’m so confused.” Hank’s mind was spinning and he felt like fainting.
“Yeah she’s not the same girl she used to be, all confidence and power. Ever since we got back together, she’s been emotional and insecure. We watch a movie, and she starts crying. I make a little comment about getting dolled up, and she blows a gasket. I mean, she’s unstable Henry. As her friend, I would expect you to notice.”
“Have you stopped to ask her why she has been acting this way? Have you considered that something may be wrong or bothering her? Have you tried talking to her?” Henry was starting to make a scene with his loud accusing questions. People were beginning to stare.
“What am I a therapist? She’s a grown woman who can sort out her own mental problems. I wasn’t looking to take on a basket case. I was trying to have a good time, like we used to have.”
“Oh you’re a real piece of shit, Charlie. You know that!” Henry wasn’t holding back anymore.
“Look at you, Splinter. You’ve finally grown a pair. I’m proud of you, but I’m not interested in kicking your ass. I just want you to break it off gently with her for me. I’m not trying to hurt her. Emma’s a good girl, but she’s all mixed up.”
“So you want me to break her heart for you, while you just walk away.”
“That’s why you're her Splinter, isn’t it? You heal all of her wounds.” Charlie could read the aggression in Henry’s eyes so he attempted to pacify him. “Look here Henry, I’ve got to go to Colorado on business, and it may turn into something permanent. It was bound to happen anyway.”
“I’ll do it, Charlie, but I want you to promise me you will never try to contact her again.”
“Are you threatening me?” the big man stepped in a little closer, chuckling at his audacity.
“I’ve made some very powerful friends who only need me to hint at the idea and they’d make your life a living hell. Swear to me you’ll leave her alone for good.”
Charlie stared him down for a long minute before realizing that Henry meant every word of that threat. Then, he offered a hand to shake on it and seal the deal. “Okay, Henry Goodman, I’ll leave her alone.” They shook hands and parted ways.
All of these people, Charlie included, knew when it was time to leave a relationship. Even though they were afraid, they took the step to leave and pursue what they truly wanted. Henry was brave enough to help them get out of their bad situations, but he was afraid to face his own bad situations. It was becoming unavoidable. Henry feared the aftermath of his conversation with Emma.
His phone rang.
Guess who’s calling?
The sound of Leslie’s body hitting the floor filled the quiet auditorium with a resounding echo. Emma was too distracted by the sight of Kim’s tentacles wrapped around Hank’s arms just a few seats down. What is a good guy like him doing with a girl like her? Sure Kim was beautiful, but in a superficial and shallow sort of way. She has stood on the sidelines watching this minx emotionally and physically manipulate her best friend, her Splinter. Emma preferred a shower girl over her any day of the week. She wondered why, in all the years they have been friends, Hank never asked her out or made a move. This thought surprised her. How would I respond if he did? She thought. He has always been like family, a little brother who can be annoying, but you always love. Now when she sees them kiss, Emma wonders what it would feel like to be in her shoes. After the wedding, she realized that Henry feeling like home was deeper than a brother and a roommate. But how do you tell someone that without knowing how they will respond or if they feel the same way. What if I’m just a big sister to him too? She thought.
Maybe Emma was just feeling lonely. Henry had Kim, Dusty had Dr. Chang, and her date was Maya, Raj’s sister. Her plus one had been relegated to friends. “Are you okay?” Maya whispered from her seat, noticing Emma’s longing gaze down the row where Kim was resting her head on Hank’s shoulder.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Emma lied through her glossy eyes. She had to be fine. These feelings could be fleeting. Emma pulled out her buzzing phone. There was another message from Charlie, her ex. Up to this point, she had just ignored his messages.
Charlie: Hey, can we talk? 🥺
Emma: I’ll call you tonight.
Charlie: 🙏
…
After the play was over, all the roommates and company met Leslie backstage with a bouquet of roses and chocolates. They congratulated him on his greatest performance yet as Julius Caesar in Shakespeare’s famous play. He invited them all to coffee anywhere but the horrible place Hank likes. They all walked a little way and found a cafe a couple of blocks off the Broadway strip.
“So what did you all think of the play?” Leslie asked.
“Can I get Calpurnia’s number?” Dusty joked as Dr. Chang slapped his arm.
“You were phenomenal, Leslie,” Henry declared. “It was the best rendition of Julius Caesar I’ve seen. You made him look like an actual emperor.” Everyone echoed similar remarks.
“You guys are just being nice to me because I’m old. I was so nervous being the titular character. It was a lot of pressure.”
“I’m proud of you Leslie. Those nerves didn’t show at all,” Emma encouraged. Leslie gave her a knowing look, as if he knew she had been distracted the whole time and why. She quickly averted her gaze and played with her hair.
“Now what’s this I hear about you being arrested again, Hank. This time for kidnapping.” Leslie turned the focus onto Henry.
“No it’s not like that. Some guy came to the door, the baby got out, and I chased after the baby. When I finally got caught up to her, I decided to take her out for a walk. What I didn’t know was that her mom woke up and called the cops when she noticed we were gone.”
“Yeah, I don’t understand how she felt comfortable letting a stranger watch her baby,” Maya added a little judgingly.
“I’m with you,” Dusty agreed. “The people who hire Henry make no sense to me. What kind of world are we living in where people hire strangers to watch us shower? No offense.”
“Uh, yeah offense,” Henry defended. “I don’t watch her shower, I just stay in the house because she has severe monophobia.”
“I had that once,” Kim joined. “When I moved out for college, I got monophobia, so I had to stay at my boyfriend's place.”
After a moment of awkward silence, Henry continued, “So anyway, the cops surrounded me and the baby. Thankfully, Vinny, who was the guy that confronted me at the apartment, saw the whole thing and cleared it all up with the police. Unfortunately, they still had to take me down to the station, but by the time we arrived, the mom had cleared everything up. And I got paid extra for inconvenience.”
“Maybe coffee out to be on you then, Mr. Bigshot.” Leslie teased.
“Business is funny like that. Sometimes I’m super busy and other times it's really slow. But that’s also what makes being my own boss so exciting. Who knows what the next job will be.” Henry glanced at Maya and remembered the condition one of his jobs left Raj in. Suddenly he felt insensitive. She didn’t know the connection between the job, Mr. Gilbert and Raj, but the guilt was still there. “How is Raj doing, Maya?”
She had just taken a sip of tea when he asked, and she nearly spilled. “Better, thankfully. He is recovering well and should be getting out of the hospital very soon. The first thing he asked about was his computer. Still the same Raja.”
“So do you think you’ll ever come out in a movie?” Kim asked Leslie.
“Well, no one’s asked yet, but I wouldn’t be opposed to it. I’m really liking the stage though. I’m late to the game.”
Then Dusty cleared his throat, which is a sign he is about to say something really serious, “Do you think I have what it takes to be an actor?”
“You’ll just have to audition and find out.”
…
Later that night, Hank and Emma were playing Mario Kart in her bedroom, which used to be his before she moved in. He noticed that she was a lot more competitive and aggressive than she usually is. She seemed to float somewhere between second and third place until the last minute, when her crotch rocket-riding Princess Peach would throw a red, or worse, blue turtle shell and win the race. Henry took Mario Kart seriously, so this especially irked him, and she knew this. “Really! Every time with those bloody shells?” He cried after she pulled the same stunt for the last time. “Now neither of us got first place. Look at Toad celebrating and gloating in my face.”
“Sometimes, winning for me just means you don’t get first place,” she said.
“Then I guess you won,” he chuckled as they put the remotes down and looked at each other for a moment.
“So, what’s up with you and Kim? Is it getting pretty serious again?” Emma asked frankly, breaking the silence.
“I don’t know. To be honest I’m not too sure where the relationship is going. We’re just kinda hanging out right now.”
“It looks pretty serious. I mean, she was climbing all over you today.”
“Are you getting jealous, Emma Daniels?” Henry teased playfully.
“Well, now that you’re with her I feel like we won’t be able to be as close. You’re my cuddle bug and I feel like we are going to lose that when you guys become like official. And I’d expect it to. I guess, I’m not quite ready to lose you so completely.”
“I haven’t really thought about it like that. You and I are so close. I couldn’t imagine us not being like we are now.” They both fell back on the bed and continued to look at each other, flooded with complex and novel manifestations of their intimate feelings. It was as if the love they’ve always had for one another was mutating yet imperfected.
If he would kiss me right now, I would let him, she thought and even hoped. Emma didn’t want to be the one to complicate things all though it was a little too late for that. Their relationship was transforming into something different which was forcing their interactions to adapt with it. They were both enraptured by one other but also afraid to be a fool. Their gazing was cut short by the chiming of Hank’s phone. It was Kim.
“I’d better take this,” he left the room and shut the door. All of the excitement and fantasy dissipated like smoke from a cigarette. Emma could hear them arguing through the wall, hating the fact that it pleased her to know they were volatile. I can’t go on like this, waiting for our relationship to blow up. He means too much to me, she thought. Her thumb hesitated as she pressed Charlie’s name on her contact list. It rang twice before he answered.
“Hello?”
“Hiya Charlie.”
“Oh my god, it’s so good to hear your voice.”
“You wanted to chat?”
“Yeah but I think maybe these things should be said in person.”
“I’ve got time tonight.”
“Are you still staying in New York?”
“We can meet halfway. I’ll text you the spot.” They said their goodbyes and hung up. Henry was still on the phone when Emma kissed him on the forehead and signaled she was leaving but would be back later tonight. He wanted to ask where she was going, but she left in a hurry.
“Kim, I’ve got to call you back. There’s another call coming through.”
“Are you hanging up with me for Emma?” Kim interrogated.
“No, it’s a number I don’t recognize, probably a job.”
“Whatever, I don’t believe you. Call me when you’re ready to take this seriously, Hank.” She hung up.
“Henry Goodman Incorporated, how can I help you?” He answered in his most professional voice.
“Uh yeah…this is Vinny. Can I speak to Mr. Goodman? It’s an emergency.”
“Please hold while I transfer your call,” Henry disguised his voice and then pressed a button before answering as himself. “Hey Vinny, how’s it going?”
“Hey, Mr. Goodman, I've got a job for you. It's all legal. I swear on my mother. But it’s a private matter so we’re gonna have to meet in person to discuss details.”
“Sure I’ve got time in the morning. Just say when and where.” Henry wrote the address of the restaurant and time of their appointment with a pen on a paper towel. He wondered what kind of trouble he’d get into this time.
…
That night, Hank slept in his old room, waiting for Emma to come home, but she didn’t. She did respond to his text while he was sleeping though.
Emma: I’m safe, don’t worry. I’ll fill you in tomorrow. Goodnight.
…
Hank met Vinny at a high end brunch place called Vincenzo’s. He immediately felt underdressed showing up in jeans, a white t-shirt, flannel jacket, and a baseball cap while Vinny looked like a GQ model leaning against the bar in a black silk shirt and slim charcoal slacks. He thought about leaving to change into something more fitting for the occasion. Nothing about their last meeting indicated that this was the type of place Vinny would go to for brunch. Henry imagined him sitting outside of some mom and pop restaurant like they did in The Sopranos.
“Hey Mr. Goodman! What do you think of my restaurant?” Vinny shouted from the bar as he walked over to give Henry a warm embrace.
“Hey Vinny, you’ve got an amazing place,” Hank was incredulous. “You can just call me Hank.
“Nonsense, you’re a businessman. My father always told me you treat bosses with respect and call them by their family name.” Vinny whistled a waiter over to them as he picked out a table to sit. “Anything you want, it's on the house. You’re a friend of the family.”
Henry ordered a Monte Cristo with a side of fries and an orange soda. Other people at the restaurant were looking over at their table, whispering to each other, and pointing at them as if they were celebrities. They must have been looking at Vinny, because nobody knows me do they? The two young men broke bread, conversed about running a business, and run-ins with the NYPD. A group of pretty young women were being seated and passed by their table. Vinny didn’t try to hide his ogling and even winked at them as they walked in front of him.
“That reminds me about my problem, Mr. Goodman. I need you to do something for me that’s real personal. It could be the difference between life and death for me.”
“Listen, Vinny, I can’t do anything…”
“It’s nothing illegal; I swear it on my dear aunt Sylvia. It just needs to be handled exactly as I tell you or it could end up really bad for me. There’s no easy way to do this and it may seem like a bad occasion that I’m sending you, but there are rules and loopholes we’re gonna need to exploit to keep things civil.”
…
It seemed like an easy job. Just go into an event, uninvited. Walk up to the right person, he’d never met and deliver a note at 1pm sharp. Vinny even provided a picture. This time, Henry wouldn’t be underdressed. He bought a nice three-piece suit and put on some gel to manage the frizzy hair. There was a beautiful cathedral with a ton of old classic cars parked in front. Why am I so nervous? He thought to himself, shaking off the nerve. Hank was surprised by how much this scene looked like the baptismal scene from The Godfather. He had to trust that Vinny was sincere when he assured him no one could lay a finger on him on account of the nature of the event. It was a baptism, a sacred event to the families. This was the perfect setting to do this sort of thing without repercussion.
As soon as Hank walked into the cathedral, two guys had eyes on him like an owl watching a mouse in an open field. People were standing in the pues facing the family up on the stage. There was a young mother holding a baby, the father on one side and a priest on the other. The grandparents were there too and the girl from the photograph. Henry looked at his watch reading 12:59 PM. It was time to deliver the note, but she was on the stage. He hoped she’d be in the back rows of the pues, and didn't imagine he would do it in front of the whole church. The clock struck one, the priest baptised the baby, and Henry marched down the center aisle to deliver the note. Everyone, including the priest, watched him as he made his way to the young woman with the baptismal party.
“Who the hell are you?” she asked.
“My name is Henry Goodman, and I have a message for you from Vinny.”
“Vinny? What does it say?” Henry stood there holding the note, hoping she would take it and read it, but she didn’t budge. So, he opened it.
“Rita,” Hank cleared his throat. “You are an angel of light and when I have a daughter, you’re going to be her godmother. There isn’t a sweeter and more charitable person in the world. I’m glad to have been able to call you my girlfriend and fiancee. However, I’ve been going to therapy and realized I’m not in a healthy place to be in such a committed situation. I would be doing you a disservice to keep you tied up to a guy like me. I hope you find a good guy to make you happy. I got your nephew a nice watch to wear when he grows up. Happy baptism, and god bless you, Vinny.” As Henry folded the note back into the envelope and pulled out the gift, Rita pounded his chest and screamed.
“How could he do this to me!?”
“Did you have to do this now? Get the heck outta here you son of a!” the priest interrupted the baby’s father. “Sorry father.”
As Henry left, all of the attendees scowled at him and shook their heads with disapproval. The job was done. It was humiliating.
…
“You dissed her like that in front of everyone!” Vinny covered his face with his hand. “Santa Madonna! Rita’s really going to hate me now.”
“You told me to give her the note at 1pm sharp!” Henry was hot with embarrassment.
“Yeah, but I didn’t think she’d be standing in front of everyone. You should have waited for her to sit down. And I can’t believe you read the note for everyone to hear. Those words were for her ears only. Now they’re all going to think I was trying to disrespect her.”
“Look, I tried to hand her the note but she wouldn’t take it. I followed your specific directions and got out of there before someone pulled a gun out on me.”
“I sent you during a baptism because they are forbidden to commit any acts of violence on that day, especially in a cathedral. I designated her as my unborn child’s godmother to prevent retaliation. It didn’t go exactly as I planned, but you’re right. The job is done and now I’m free.” Vinny let out a celebratory laugh. “Mr. Gilbert was right about you. You’ve got balls.”
“Mr. Gilbert?” Henry questioned.
“Yeah, he said you’re the guy to call if you got a task you don’t want to do yourself.”
He should have known these were all connected. Mona’s mom, who is Vinny’s cousin, trusted Henry to look out for the baby on Mr. Gilbert’s word. That is also how Vinny was able to talk the NYPD into letting him off the hook. It was nice having money, but it felt like most of his money was coming from associates of the Giordano family. He needed to branch out and diversify his clientele in case the feds check his bank statements full of deposits from Mr. Gilbert and company.
It wasn’t long before Hank was flooded with breakup requests. As harsh as the breakup at the baptism was, someone posted it on social media and it inspired other people who felt stuck in their relationships to hire Henry Goodman to break up for them. Though Vinny didn’t mean for it to be such a public diss, other people had strange and vengeful requests that ended up filling his calendar for the next few weeks.
One person baked a cake full of laxatives for Henry to deliver to her boyfriend’s party with all of his guy friends. The cake was on a platter that read “I’m getting rid of all your crap! We’re done!” This of course could only be read after they had already eaten most of the cake. It must have been pretty strong, because Henry had a small taste of it on the drive over and nearly ruined the cab on the way home.
Someone else hired Henry to dedicate the song “Gives You Hell” by The All American Rejects to his girlfriend during their karaoke date. As soon as Hank went on the platform and said, “This song goes out to Vicki from your former boyfriend, Michael,” the guy disappeared as she watched Hank serenade her with a breakup song. Vicki ended up hiring him also to break up with her other boyfriend in an even more insulting way. “A little birdie told me he is going to be on a date with his fiancee. I want you to crash the date and tell him that Vicki wanted him to have this,” she said, pulling out a banana cream pie from a box. “Then I want you to throw this in her face.”
“Her face? Wouldn’t it be better to throw it in his face?” Henry asked partly to avoid smashing a pie in an innocent bystander's face.
“She apparently has no idea about us. If you put it in his face, she will likely feel bad for him and console him. If you spread it over her face, she’ll be furious with him.”
As soon as the happy unsuspecting couple were seated at an outdoor table, Henry approached them, holding the pie behind his back. “Excuse me, are you Richard?”
“Yeah, who wants to know?” The guy squinted up at him on account of the sun.
“Vicki wanted you to have this,” Henry said.
“Vicki?” his fiancee asked, “Who is..” but before she could finish, her face was plastered with cream pie.
“What the hell’s the matter with you!?” Richard screamed at Henry who was already sauntering back into the cab that dropped him off. The poor guy tried cleaning the goopy cream off of her face, but she was enraged.
“WHO IS VICKI?”
…
On the next job, a girlfriend waited at home for her boyfriend to visit her apartment. There was a knock on the door, so she got up to answer with a big smile on her face. She opened the door to an explosion of confetti and whistles, but no boyfriend. It was some strange guy. “Congratulations, you’ve been un-coupled! Here is a gift card to enjoy your newfound freedom,” Hank handed her a fifteen dollar Starbucks card.
“But, what is actually happening right now?” she stammered in stunned petrification. “Where…why?” and she wept as Henry walked away feeling sorry for her. He wanted to stop and comfort the poor young girl, but there were more relationships to destroy.
One paranoid looking guy out in the suburbs rushed Henry all the way down to the basement to tell him, “I just need you to leave her a voicemail on my phone.”
“Okay, but why are we in your basement? I could have left her a voicemail from my phone or your phone anywhere in the world.”
“I…I…I’m scared of her.”
“It needs to be from my phone or she won’t listen.”
“Most people don’t even listen to their voicemails anymore. A text would be a lot quicker.”
“Please just read this and record the voicemail.”
“Dear Rhonda, it's Lyn. I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time but haven’t found the courage until today. I hate you and hope I never see you again. You are mean, cruel, and a bully. I won’t put up with it anymore. It’s over.” Henry was handing the phone over back to Lyn when a sound came from the phone.
“Lyn, whose voice is that!?” Rhonda had answered the phone and heard every word. “Is that your new boyfriend? I’m coming over there right now, bye!”
“That’s my queue to get out of here,” Hank passed him the phone and ran up the stairs.
“No! Don’t leave, she’s going to kill me.”
“That’s not my problem buddy. I was just hired to leave the voicemail. Look out for an invoice.”
Part of the hazard of breaking up for people was being the recipient of their anger. Henry had been slapped, kicked in the shin, had champagne thrown in his face, several tongue lashings in foreign languages, and was almost beat up by a beefy ex boyfriend had it not been for his training from Sensei Rodrigo at Tiger Claw Karate.
…
Henry’s home life was changing as well. Emma was hardly ever home anymore and acted distant whenever she was at the apartment, always on her phone. They weren’t talking as much as they used to. Kim was also becoming more needy now that Henry was busy with work. She would text him incessantly or call him in the middle of a job and expect him to drop everything to talk or pick up take out for her. He started ignoring her calls which resulted in a tirade of angry text messages. He used to get excited when her name would pop up on his notifications, but now he dreads it. Hank missed Emma’s memes and funny little texts throughout the day. Now he just gets Dusty’s angry videos about how Star Wars has changed and how the oversaturation of superhero movies are killing cinema.
Leslie met him for breakfast at Vinny’s restaurant to talk about his dilemma. “Do you think all of these breakup jobs are influencing your perception of Kim or is it revealing how you truly feel about her?” asked the wise old man.
“I’m not sure,” Henry answered quietly.
“I think you are, but you are avoiding dealing with something much more difficult, so you're settling.”
“What am I avoiding?”
“Jesus, am I going to have to spell it out, Henry. Your feelings for Emma. Don’t pretend that they aren’t serious. I saw the way she was looking at you and that Kim girl. She’s a pretty girl but completely self absorbed. She treats you more like an accessory to her life than a boyfriend. Emma sees it too but doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.”
“I don’t believe this. Did she tell you that behind my back?”
“She didn’t have to. I could see it in her eyes as she watched you. She loves you.”
“Of course Emma loves me. I’m like her little brother. We’ve been in each other’s life forever. If that’s how she feels, why doesn’t she tell me. She’s hardly ever around anymore.”
“Why do you think that is? Do you think it's got anything to do with Kim?” Leslie asked as if he knew the answer, but Henry’s phone saved him from having to answer the questions.
“It’s a number I don’t recognize, I’d better take it.” Henry stepped out of the restaurant to take the call outside. “Hello, this is Henry Goodman.”
“Hey, Splinter. This is Charlie,” he paused for a moment. “Emma’s Charlie.”
“What do you want?”
“I need your help. I heard you’re doing breakups and I need you to help me out on this one. I’ll pay you whatever you charge, just please hear me out. Can you meet me at Central Park in an hour? We can talk there.”
“Yeah, I’ll see you there.” This one is a curveball. Why was Charlie calling him and what’s he doing in the city? How would Emma feel about me taking on this job? He thought. Back at the restaurant, Henry excused himself from breakfast. “I’ve gotta go Les, something’s come up.”
“I hope I didn’t overstep, Hank. It wasn’t my intention,” Leslie apologized.
“Not at all, Leslie. I love you like a second father. You’re right as always. We’ll have to pick up where we left off another time. Don’t worry about the bill, Vinny will take care of it.”
“Who’s Vinny?” Leslie wondered as he finished his breakfast peacefully.
…
Charlie was waiting for him, all broad shouldered and six foot seven with perfect hair. Imagine one of those American Gladiator guys in a trenchcoat waving Henry down. “Hey Henry. I got you an orange soda,” Charlie offered.
“Thanks,” Hank couldn’t resist. “So are you finally leaving that broad from Jersey? She’s got a mean swing with a broom. Could’ve gone pro.”
“No, I’m breaking up with Emma. Didn’t she tell you we were back together? I thought you guys talk about everything.” Henry was stunned like all of the people he had been dumping in the last few weeks. That explains why she had been acting so differently. Why wouldn’t she tell me about that? he wondered.
“Wha…Wha…so what’s going on? You want to dump her? I’m so confused.” Hank’s mind was spinning and he felt like fainting.
“Yeah she’s not the same girl she used to be, all confidence and power. Ever since we got back together, she’s been emotional and insecure. We watch a movie, and she starts crying. I make a little comment about getting dolled up, and she blows a gasket. I mean, she’s unstable Henry. As her friend, I would expect you to notice.”
“Have you stopped to ask her why she has been acting this way? Have you considered that something may be wrong or bothering her? Have you tried talking to her?” Henry was starting to make a scene with his loud accusing questions. People were beginning to stare.
“What am I a therapist? She’s a grown woman who can sort out her own mental problems. I wasn’t looking to take on a basket case. I was trying to have a good time, like we used to have.”
“Oh you’re a real piece of shit, Charlie. You know that!” Henry wasn’t holding back anymore.
“Look at you, Splinter. You’ve finally grown a pair. I’m proud of you, but I’m not interested in kicking your ass. I just want you to break it off gently with her for me. I’m not trying to hurt her. Emma’s a good girl, but she’s all mixed up.”
“So you want me to break her heart for you, while you just walk away.”
“That’s why you're her Splinter, isn’t it? You heal all of her wounds.” Charlie could read the aggression in Henry’s eyes so he attempted to pacify him. “Look here Henry, I’ve got to go to Colorado on business, and it may turn into something permanent. It was bound to happen anyway.”
“I’ll do it, Charlie, but I want you to promise me you will never try to contact her again.”
“Are you threatening me?” the big man stepped in a little closer, chuckling at his audacity.
“I’ve made some very powerful friends who only need me to hint at the idea and they’d make your life a living hell. Swear to me you’ll leave her alone for good.”
Charlie stared him down for a long minute before realizing that Henry meant every word of that threat. Then, he offered a hand to shake on it and seal the deal. “Okay, Henry Goodman, I’ll leave her alone.” They shook hands and parted ways.
All of these people, Charlie included, knew when it was time to leave a relationship. Even though they were afraid, they took the step to leave and pursue what they truly wanted. Henry was brave enough to help them get out of their bad situations, but he was afraid to face his own bad situations. It was becoming unavoidable. Henry feared the aftermath of his conversation with Emma.
His phone rang.
Guess who’s calling?
